On Fear and Growth

Fear is a weed in the garden of growth.

Fear is the presence that puts a cloud over the creative child, mother, student, man, woman, or artist so that they shut down, lose steam, go inward (only) and become cowards, settling for something far less than what they were designed for.

Fear is a darkness, and no living thing can reach, open, or expand when that cold cloud hovers.

When I was traveling from Ohio to California, and especially while I was in New Mexico, I felt alive, inspired, creative, and full of very specific and beautiful ideas. Everything seemed to fit together in the most serendipitous ways. But over the last month, the weeds have infested my garden of growth. I can feel myself losing courage to do anything daring with my photography or art. It's that feeling of retreating to safety. I would like to make myself run directly towards that which scares me the most, even if it is something like a Zumba class (what is that anyway? it just sounds bouncy and scary) but it is hard. And there are so many good excuses that can let me off the hook.

I am going to keep taking photos and fighting the rut. I am going to try to listen to my own voice above the ones that make me feel overwhelmed and small. In the process, I am reading about women who have chosen to be enclosed in sacred places during times of great change, only to emerge as new creatures. Carol Lee Flinders' book, At The Root of This Longing: Reconciling a Spiritual Hunger with a Feminist Thirst, has been my company at the parks and cafes of Berkeley as I listen to my own creative cycles.
*Thank you, BW, for the temporary tattoo!!



On a side note, these were all taken in my aunt's garden, where I drink my coffee and have Chula-kitty time. The garden is lush and fragrant right now.

And yeah, I do feel a little spoiled, but...(sigh)...I deserve it, and so do WE ALL.

John Muir said it:
“Everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in where nature may heal and cheer and give strength to the body and soul.”

I think I am going to meditate tonight on the ideal conditions for growth and thriving, and write more about that soon. If I write an ode to fear, then the counter ode must be waiting to have a voice as well.